Acceptance of Terms

I shouldn't say something like "I've not been to the emergency room for a long time, which is a win," because that is Universe-baiting.

But in a weird way, a lack of catastrophe can make you wonder if you're imagining what you thought were substandard conditions. Because inevitably, you regard other catastrophic events and circumstances locally and globally, and think, hm, maybe I am totally fine? even when you can swear it wasn't always like this.

I used to write symptoms down in my notes app to reassure myself that I was not making them up, to see if I could connect the dots. Vision overconvergence and tracking abnormalities, check. Tinnitus, check. Insomnia, check. Constantly parched, check. Achy knees, check. Tendonitis, check. Hair loss, check. Brain fog, check. Weight gain, (ha) check check check. Vestibular weirdness, check. Abdominal pain, check. Shooting pain down my left forearm, check. Wrist pain, check. Random bleeding, nope, menopause, maybe check? But that has come to feel like an exercise in futility.

In the interest of controlling the things I can control, I'm finally doing vision therapy this summer (where I get to pick a snack or a toy after every session because most of the people doing vision therapy are under ten) and I finally went to the orthopedist the other day for the wrist and arm pain that is starting to make it hard to do things like lift pots. He was lovely and told me that I definitely have tendonitis and likely tennis elbow. I told him that's impossible because I don't play tennis. He arched his eyebrows and opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, and I preempted him: "oh, it's something that happens to old people."

"No," he responded, "more like a rite of passage for midlife."

And offered me a cortisone shot for the tendonitis.

Midlife can bite me.

Yesterday I had coffee with a friend from an earlier lifetime who was near town because of her kid's college orientation. It was so good to see her after too long, and we talked about all sorts of things, including kids growing up, appropriate developmental milestones for young adults with an underdone prefrontal cortex, and bodies that frustrate us and really do just seem to get in the way. Because the Universe was apparently eavesdropping, after we parted ways she forwarded me the most recent Terms and Conditions piece, just published in McSweeney's. It was so perfect that I texted it to a few friends. And now I'm sharing it with you. Because it will affirm what you're feeling, even if you're looking around you and thinking maybe you are feeling fine because comparatively speaking everything else is really going to shit. Also, because there is something to be said for looking at the breakdown of the fragile human body as acceptance of the terms, even though I've never really liked acceptance as a final stage of anything because it feels like giving up or giving in.

"This body will expire. You do not know when. There is no backup. Please do something tender with the time."

Do something tender with the time.

Not quite acceptance, but more like achievable challenge.

Probably the best advice I've heard in a while.

Cucumber, Corn, Black Bean, Tomato, Avocado, Red Pepper Salad

This is an easy summer salad I made after the CSA box arrived yesterday afternoon and I had to start cooking a week's worth of food on a Tuesday. I can't believe I've never published it before because it's frequently in rotation over the summer, mostly with frozen corn but fresh tomatoes. It hasn't let me down yet, unlike this flesh prison I occupy. Maybe it will make you feel better, too.

1 cucumber, peeled, seeded, chopped
1 c. tomato (cherry, halved or chopped)
1 avocado, chopped
1 red pepper, seeded and chopped
1 1/2 c. corn, frozen or fresh and blanched (about 3 cobs)
1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
2-3 T. lime juice
1/3 c. chopped cilantro
salt to taste

Toss it all together, chill, and eat. Or don't bother with the chilling part because your family is hungry and you are moving at the speed of light to make dinner and process all of the produce.