Thursday, April 22, 2010

Abhyasa, Vairagya, Svadhyaha, Frittata.

(Welcome ICLW bloggers!)

My yoga teacher said on Monday that yoga practice is about three things: effort, letting go, and observation about how that balance is working, how we feel in the midst of that cycle (without trying to change the feeling--just noticing it, and accepting it).  If only I could learn how to do the second and third of those things as well as I do the first.

I have thrown myself into cooking again to drown out the cacophony of pregnancy announcements this week, three on a single day.  One from a neighbor down the block with a little boy Ian's age, who is now expecting her fourth child.  Another from a colleague who runs a mom's group at work, who has thoughtfully spaced her second child two years from her first, because isn't that what everyone does?  Another from one of the support staff members at work, whose daughter I worked with, and who is expecting her first.

I am happy for these women.  They are good people, and they deserve joy.  But every time I hear another announcement, I feel incomplete, flawed, empty all over again.  Hard as I try, I can't seem to quiet those voices in my head.  How long will it take for them to go away?

Next week, I have an appointment with a new endocrinologist.  Not an RE, not yet.  I'm anxious about it.  What if he says I'm fine, despite the constellation of symptoms that suggest I'm still not being treated for thyroid issues?  I fear trying again without a new treatment for an old diagnosis, both because I fear loss, and because I fear the disappointment of a non-event.  But I also fear the journey into reproductive endocrinology.  Can I just be happy with the beautiful little boy I have?  Is this the universe's way of telling me that I should spend more time paying attention to him before I am gifted with another child? 

Today is Earth Day, and I am celebrating by practicing letting go (not to be confused with "if you'd just relax, maybe it would happen, which the ICLW folks know works really well, right?!): balancing my effort with surrender to the new life that is everywhere around me.  Young asparagus, fragrant flowering trees, chives in the window box on our deck.  I made this frittata as a nod to spring and to this renewal.  It's another one of those recipes that is very flexible; you can substitute just about anything seasonal (preferably local), and change the cheese and seasoning to your taste.

Abhyasa.  Effort.
Vairagya.  Letting go.
Svadhyaya.  Self study and observation.

May we all seek a little better balance.

Leek and Asparagus Frittata

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup chopped leeks (white and pale green parts only)
1 12-ounce bunch thin asparagus, trimmed, cut on diagonal into 1-inch pieces (about 2 1/2 cups)
1 cup sliced mushrooms (shiitake, baby bella, or regular)
6 large eggs
2 egg whites
3/4 cup diced Fontina or jack cheese, divided
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Preheat broiler. Heat olive oil in heavy broilerproof 10-inch-diameter nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add leeks and sauté 4 minutes. Add asparagus and shiitake mushrooms, sprinkle lightly with salt, and sauté until tender, about 6 minutes. Whisk eggs, 2/3 cup Fontina cheese, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper in medium bowl. Add egg mixture to skillet; fold gently to combine. Cook until almost set. Sprinkle remaining remaining Fontina cheese and Parmesan cheese over. Broil until frittata is puffed and cheese begins to turn golden, about 3 minutes. Cut into wedges and serve.
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  1. I am sorry that it has been a rough week. I am glad you are seeing a new doctor. Think of it as no matter what, you will have answers. If there is a thyroid problem, it will be great to have it diagnosed and treated. If not, then you will know that there may be new avenues to travel down. I won't tell you to just relax, because I know that that is not what causes fertility issues and I am sure that it is the last thing you need to hear. I will say to continue to run, do yoga and meditate. And yes, Ian is a beautiful gift. And yes, I know you could be happy as a family of three. But, it is ok to want more. It is ok to feel the way you feel. Own your feelings and don't apologize for them! I wish you the best on this journey, whatever the journey may be. And I will be over with a bottle of red in six short months;)

  2. I'm having a week where everyone who announced their pregnancy areound when I did are either giving birth or having baby showers. And here I am, just finished my 12th IVF/ICSI cycle. Sorry it's been a bad week for you too. xoxo

    Recipe sounds great, but I might have to save it for spring. We're doing autumn here in Oz.

  3. Wow, three in one day that is very rough! Hoping everything goes well at the appointment next week & sending positive vibes your way. The frittata looks amazing too:)

  4. Good luck and man that looks delicious. Great blog, can't wait to read more. I'm your newest follower from IComLeavWe.


  5. ICLW #163 here!

    I had totally forgotten about frittata. Love leeks, but I might sub something for the 'sparagus - ugh.

    Also ugh about all those announcements. We are not even remotely TTC right now, but every single other woman of childbearing age on our street is pg right now and even I start feeling left out. Hang in there!

  6. What a delicious springy dish... adding that to my recipe queue for sure! Pg annoucements can be so rough. For any other person, it's a joy, but for those of us in the ALI community, it's just another unintentional arrow. As for seeing an RE or just an endo... have faith and patience. As someone who has been dealing with hypothyroidism for 10 years (last year Dx'd with Hashi's), it's a downright battle just to be heard and really listened to. Look up doctor reviews if you can. Look for folks who really specialize in thyroid issues. And there are RE's out there who focus on thyroid + lady bits work. They are a special, rare breed, and ultimately, you need to find someone you're comfortable with. But when you do find them, and you feel like you're being heard and action is actually being taken... it'll do wonders for your spirit. Have a great weekend, and I hope you don't mind another follower :)

    Happy ICLW!
    ~Miriam (ICLW #85) Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

  7. Yum - I am definitely going to try the recipe!!!


  8. I hope the new doctor can give you some answers.

    Also, I love frittatas and that is one of the yummiest sounding recipes I have seen in a long time.


  9. Letting go sounds so easy, yet it is very difficult to do. Sorry you are having such a rough week. I hope the new endo can help.

    That frittata look good. I may try it this week!

    Here from ICLW.

  10. Its nice to find your blog via your comment, thanks.
    I am a former Jersey girl but from the looks of your blog, you may hail from a nicer area than myself.
    I found that a regular yoga practice can make it easier to stay grounded, be present and observe without judgement. A very difficult way of being, no doubt. It is wonderful to have a teacher (s) that you respect and connect with.

    I too have a thyroid problem which I believe lead to my fibroid problem. It was very shocking to learn of the imbalance when I pride myself on striving to be healthy. It has been frustrating and I am still not certain that I have gotten my replacement levels right yet. I went to see an endo in addition to my RE. The endo was fab, she shared her own experience of thyroid issues and infertility, it was validating to say the least.
    You are blessed with a little family, be patient and the right path will come to you.

  11. Hi Justine,

    I love cooking too, but call it fritatta or omelette and my family would run a mile. I am going to take liberties with your recipe and convert it into a leek and asparagus quiche and see if I can interest them that way. I am also vaguely thinking of starting in a beginner's yoga class, so your insights are helpful.

    Try to think about the seemingly pregnant world around you like this: Do you change your favourite colour every once in a while? Last year, when acid green was just taking off, I thought I was unique in rapturous discovery of this "off" colour. Suddenly, though, acid green was everywhere and I couldn't get enough of it. But I was really frustrated, because no matter how hard I tried, I could not find anything in clothing that suited me. I truly felt jealous when I saw how some women really carried it off. I finally had to settle for a rink that had acid green clear beads clustered on the top.

    There are no more pregnant women around us than there always were (population doesn't vary that much from year to year), but because it's something you really want, you notice and mind them, their excitement and the attention paid to them.

    I went through secondary infertility too. It's not that your first child isn't enough for you. For me, I could only explain it as a deeply embedded feeling that I was not finished with what I was meant to be and do. I'm glad I stuck it out, because I did end up becoming pregnant again. My children are 4 years apart. I wish you success in giving yourself another child and your first child a sibling.

    Lisa (ICLW Your Great Life)

  12. Hello, your recipe for frittata caught my eye & made me decide to comment. I am an RE in Monterey, Ca who blogs & am doing ICLW for the first time. Secondary infertility is not a many of my patients come to me in despair when TTC the second, or third. It is a big plus that you had one & it will just take some tweeking perhaps to get you your second. I don't know all the particulars of your history, but if you wish some advice (limited to what I can do over the internet) feel free to visit my blog at womenshealthandfertility.blogspot & peruse some of the Q&A's I have had from women all over the world. My wife, 1/2 Italian loves making frittata from leftover spaghetti btw, just add two beaten eggs to a slightly the slightly warmed up leftovers and slide that into a pan with some already sizzling olive oil.
    Good luck with your journey! ICLW #7

  13. I am going to try this recipe this weekend!


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