It happens in the freezer aisle: an ambush.
Like a wave, it begins in her throat, or perhaps a tightness in her chest, a constriction of the lungs, rippling outward. A clawing at her heart. What is it? she wonders. Looks around. But there is no one, nothing else but her and the frozen broccoli, neatly stacked boxes of pancakes.
Then she understands. Her old nemesis. Maybe the freezer aisle isn't so surprising, after all.
She beats back the darkness, denies it. This will not happen here, now. Breathes deeply. Recalls coping mechanisms. Tries to remember if she has let the voices belittle her too much these recent weeks. Tries to visualize the things that she allowed to rot away at her. Enumerates the things she's been chewing on.
Realizes that perhaps it wasn't so sudden, either.
Now that she considers it: the shadows have been nipping at her ankles with the onset of the colder weather and the darkening skies. It's not exactly seasonal. But it's harder to be mindful with less sunlight.
She feels angry, annoyed that her therapist had been right, that this is who she is, that she isn't cured, that she owns this demon. Wonders if she should go back. Doesn't want to go back. She knows how to do this, difficult though it may be some days.
Sometimes bravery isn't written in all caps.
Do you struggle with things you thought you put behind you?
I have not had an anxiety attack in a long time... but I do sometimes feel anxiety lurking in the shadows & nipping at my heels too. You are not alone. (((hugs!)))
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ReplyDeleteI'm packing boxes again. This time we don't know where we're going to live. No jobs, no home. Where to go? I look at the child's toy in my hand. I can't breathe. Tears cloud my vision and my mind shuts down. This was four years ago. Everything turned out just fine a few months later. We are safe now. In a good home, with good jobs. Everything's okay -- unless my husband comes home later than expected. On those days, I still feel the darkness that gripped me that day.
ReplyDeleteOwning and talking about the feelings is the only way I found through them. Sending you hugs and support.
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