Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Growing Things: Zuccanoes and a Bean

This morning, when I was running, something strange happened.  I started talking to my abdomen.  You see, last night I ate an entire pint of ice cream before going to bed, and I felt I needed to inform my abdomen that we wouldn't be doing that again, that a pint of ice cream all at once wasn't good for it.  I knew, really, that I was talking to the Bean.

This is a real shift for me.  I have been in a state of denial for 12 weeks now, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to lose yet another pregnancy.  I haven't wanted to connect, I guess; it's easier to cope with loss if you don't connect, right?  As I caught myself talking to my abdomen, one voice in my head said, "danger ... don't do that to yourself.  You're just setting yourself up for disappointment"  Another voice said, "woman, you are PREGNANT.  Accept it."

While I know that giving birth to a living child is far from guaranteed me, the fact that I even heard the second voice is probably a good sign, even if it's a little scary.

Things continue to grow all around me (after all, I do live in the Garden State), and I pulled two of my own zucchini out of the garden this week (to spite my husband who said they wouldn't grow), so along with the CSA haul, we had enough for zuccanoes (pronounced ZOO-canoes, in case you were wondering).   These are basically stuffed zucchini, but they're much more fun if you think of them as small boats.  Certainly, my son thought so.  I had tried to come up with a creative addition for paddles, but they got brought to the table before I could do anything about it.  And though you might look at the ingredients and think, "ew" (and granted, the Moosewood folks were still a bunch of hippies in 1977), I assure you, the flavors all come together and it's hard to stop yourself from having yet another.  In my case, another and another.  I'm feeling a little ravenous.

Zuccanoes (adapted from the Moosewood Cookbood)

3 medium zucchini
1 c. cooked soybeans or brown rice
1/2 lb. mushrooms, chopped
1 large onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, crushed
2 T. sunflower seeds
3 eggs
1 1/2 c. cottage cheese
1/4 c. wheat germ
3 T. tamari (or soy sauce)
1 c. grated cheddar cheese
dash Worcestershire sauce
dash Tabasco (I omit this)

Slice zucchini (or summer squash) in half lengthwise. Scoop out insides, leaving 1/4″ rim so so canoe stays intact. Saute in butter until the liquid is gone: chopped zucchini innards, mushrooms, onion, garlic, sunflower seeds and season to taste with rosemary, basil, and thyme.
Beat 3 eggs. Mix with cottage cheese, wheat germ, tamari, Tabasco, Worcestershire, grated cheese, soybeans or brown rice. Add the sauteed vegetables.

Stuff the canoes generously. If you have leftover stuffing, put it into a small dish or some aluminum foil and bake alongside the canoes.  Sprinkle with paprika (if you want to ... I omit this) and bake 40 min. at 350.
Serve topped with extra grated cheese or sour cream if you like; I didn't think it was necessary.
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  1. Stopping by for ICLW...I can identify with what you're saying about not connecting. I am 7 wks pregnant after a miscarriage & my mind just won't accept it...I feel guilty for not feeling the joy like I did with my last pregnancy but after the loss, I'm afraid to get too hopeful.

    Here's hoping this pregnancy will bring nothing but joy for you.

  2. Thanks for your lovely comment on my post. :) Congratulations on your pregnancy. I totally get the reluctance to feel confident in your pregnancy--I'm 21 weeks, and I keep hearing stories about someone who lost their baby at 22 weeks, etc. and it freaks me out. I think that, now that the baby is moving around lots, though, it has been easier to accept. Praying for a smooth and healthy pregnancy for you!

  3. Also stopping by for ICLW (ICLW #40). Your comments about not connecting ring true for me also. And something else I have found is that since my m/c I have found out that any pregnancy from now on will not be like the first one (uneventful although it took 5 years TTC)...I will be so worried. Praying the rest of your pregnancy is wonderful!

  4. also here from ICLW but glad I found your blog. :) I am only 10 weeks along, but I have had one healthy baby since my loss. It is so hard to be pregnant and allow yourself to connect to that new lilttle life inside of you. My loss happened at 24 weeks and I always thought that once I got past that point I would be able to breathe. But I found, I still worried the entire time. I think it is just our natural defense mechanism. It is hard to enjoy everything because you begin to think about getting attached and then that little voice in your head pops back in there to hold you back. But try to enjoy that growing belly, the little bumps and everything that goes along with it. It is hard, but just try anyway. :) Congratulations on getting out of the first trimester. I am right behind you. :)

    I will keep you in my thoughts!

  5. Yum. . .recipe sounds nice. The flavours remind me of a brown rice and lentil burger reciepe I haven't made in ages; I should make some up this weekend as now I'm craving them!

    I'm glad you're starting to hear that second voice. It's one of my fears that if I can ever get pregnant again I don't be able to connect. But I don't think isolating yourself from a pregnancy would me you won't feel anything if it ends. I tried to keep my distance from Blobby just in case things ended badly, and after he was gone all I felt was guilty I didn't love him with a fully open heart while he was with me. So I understand how scary it is, but you're a mothe regardless.

  6. That sounds very delicious. I'm glad you are starting to talk to your bean! I think that will help you. You should enjoy every moment you have with him/her. I think that the bean also enjoyed the ice cream.

    iclw #31

  7. Thanks, all! @Tasiver ... you're right; if I didn't love this life, I would probably feel guilty, too. Glad there are so many of us all going through this together!

  8. Hi! Just here from ICLW. Congrats on your pregnancy! I can completely relate to your feeling unconnected. I'm feeling the same way. It's hard. And that sounds like a great recipe.

  9. Great post and thanks for the recipe! It sounds yummy and just in time as we are being overrun with zucchinis. Glad to hear that you are starting to enjoy your pregnancy. Congrats! From ICLW.

  10. Here from ICLW. I too understand the not being connected to your little bean. I'm glad that you're able to start enjoying it a bit. I read through some of your recipes, I think I'm hungry now!!
    ICLW #161

  11. Okay I'm hungry now. Happy ICLW!

    An ICLW Visit from #107 (mfi, speedskating, strength)
    liddy @ the unfair struggle

  12. MmmmmMMMMMMmmmMMMMmm. I'm coming over to your house for dinner.

  13. Mmmmmm that recipe sounds delish. I'll have to make it as we love summer squash and zucchini here. Also, it is hard to want think that the pregnancy will be ok and let yourself believe that too after loss. Glad you're finely starting to, though.

    ICLW #16

  14. Congrats on your pregnancy! I hope that each and every day you are able to enjoy it more and more!

    And the zuccanoes sound interesting...maybe I'll give them a whirl.

    ICLW #27

  15. I am so making the zuccanoes this weekend. I love your blog I have to become a follower.

    Congratulations on your little one! You are so a mom, go enjoy every minute of it.

  16. Here from ICLW. I completely understand your waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish you could be happy for your sake, but totally understand. So, it'll just have to be a "new" kind of happy. =) Good luck!

  17. Here from ICLW- your blog made me hungry! Can I come over for dinner? ;-)

    Happy Thursday!


  18. I'm glad to hear you're starting to connect, even if it's with a bit of fear. I doubt that fear will ever completely go away, but that's such a great step! Also, that food looks AMAZING! I absolutely love zucchini, I am going to try the recipe!

  19. Hi! I'm here from ICLW. I definitely understand the desire to not connect for self-preservation. While I'm not pregnant, I feel the same way about our adoption. It's so theoretical right now and when someone says they're excited for us, I can get out an unenthusiastic, "Yeah..." I have no advice about how to connect, of course, because I'm not good at it either. I hope with time it will get better.

    Otherwise, zuccanoes look awesome and I would definitely eat one.

  20. Here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday and appreciating this opportunity to revisit a post from your archives with you.

    I especially like this part of your post:

    "While I know that giving birth to a living child is far from guaranteed me, the fact that I even heard the second voice is probably a good sign, even if it's a little scary."

    Having also carried pregnancies after loss, one of which resulted in getting to bring home another baby (finally), I get where you were coming from when you wrote this.

    I also love that two years in the future I know that this part of your story has a happy ending and wish that I could give your old self a hug and some reassurance that everything is going to be alright.


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