Time Warp Tuesday: Fear, Zuccanoes, and my CSA

First, some housekeeping.  Yes, I've returned to the Land of the Living, thanks for asking.  No, I don't recommend a four day fever that leaves you lying limp on the couch (101 became 102 and just didn't want to go away) to anyone.  Yes, I've been tested for Lyme.  No, I don't have the results, in case you're worried.  Yes, I will finish out NaBloPoMo, to the best of my ability, and I will be OK with the fact that it's imperfect.

I've never done a Time Warp post before, but since Kathy was the one who prodded me to try NaBloPoMo, I owe it to her to participate, and it's an interesting month, because almost exactly two years ago, I was in a very similar--but also different--place.  I was twelve weeks pregnant, in a state of denial, trying to protect myself from disappointment, and had a moment when I slipped, and allowed myself to let go of the fear, and believe that I might actually have another child.  I was also trying to deal with the abundance of my first CSA--a full share for two adults and a three year old--and feeling like I was drowning in zucchini, after barely surviving treading lettuce.  (Which, by the way, is going to be the name of my CSA cookbook.  I've just decided.  Treading Lettuce.  Has a ring to it, no?  Just kidding.  {AND! Now I've worked Time Warp Tuesday AND Mel's NaBloPoMo post prompts into a single post.  Go, me.})

Now?  Now I have a half share CSA at my local farm.  I love my farmers (who greet me by name) and I enjoy much more reasonable amounts of zucchini, even if I'm not terribly successful this week at coming up with new ways to cook it (and really, my family enjoys some of the old ways, anyway ... check out the Zuccanoes from that previous post if you're trying to deal with yours, too.  Yes, I've just totally cheated and given you an old recipe for a new post.  Be kind, I feel like I just lost four days of my life.).  Now I have a feisty, frustrating, beautiful, vivacious daughter who keeps me on disaster patrol during all of her waking hours.  I was one of the lucky ones.

crappy cell phone camera picture of my CSA field where I picked beans, tomatoes, and flowers for my share today

I always loved that Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from the Dune series:

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

But I think I don't agree with it completely, like I did as a naive high schooler.  Now, I think that we can and should fear, and that it's a normal and healthy defense mechanism.  And sometimes the fears are completely founded.  Not all stories have happy endings.  Prohibiting fear is useless and sometimes dangerous.  Sometimes maybe we should be more afraid than we are.  What's still true for me is this: that when the fear is gone, you're still there.  Most likely, it's changed you.  It's up to us to decide how to use the insight we've gained, and whether we can use that empty space for compassion: for ourselves, and for others.